Bob's Eye View Blog

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-10-28T18:51:00.002-04:00

BIG NEWS

After much careful thought, deliberation and several chinese meals, I have decided to take an indefinite leave of absence from my blog. I may be gone a week, a month, a year or a decade. I'm just not sure at this point. Thank you for your support and be safe out there.

SEE YOU SOME TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-10-27T08:00:00.002-04:00

SLEEPS ON A PLANE

This week, Bob's Eye View, which usually appears every Tuesday, will appear tomorrow, Wednesday, instead. In the meantime, I would really like to hear from anyone who reads this blog. It is impossible to know how many people read my blog on a regular basis. Please e-mail me at Bnathanson@aol.com and let me know if you would like to see this blog continue. Thank you in advance for your continued support.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-10-20T06:45:00.002-04:00

UP, UP AND AWAY

MY BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON

Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the characters at CNN might just go to a "All Balloons, All The Time" format. If CNN is the most trusted name in news, we are all screwed! I have always believed that CNN stands for Certainly Not News.

Fox News is reporting that Balloon Boy might just be the illegitimate son of Barack Hussein Obama & the OctoMom, and are demanding to see Balloon Boy's birth certificate. Furthermore, Glen Blechh and Flush Limbaugh reported that this balloon flight of last week might be yet another of Obama's moves to push America towards socialism.

MSNBC speculated that this balloon hoax may just have been planned during the Bush/Cheney presidency. Keith Olbermann is planning a special comment.

ABC is planning a new reality show, to be called, "Dancing With The Balloon Boy."

The wind you are probably feeling right about now is being created by Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite spinning in their graves.

An excellent group called Reporters Without Borders last year rated the American media as being the 37th best in the world. I think, with just another day or two of 24/7 reporting about the escapades of Balloon Boy and his family, we can easily make it to number 40.

FLUSH LIMBAUGH UPDATE

I regret to report that as of 7:02 A.M. on October 20th, Flush's head has yet to explode, although I thought it might when the "Talking Hemorrhoid" was turned down in his bid to become a part owner of an National Football League team. I just may have to have a tie-breaker, in which case the tie--breaking rules will be announced next week.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-10-13T08:11:00.002-04:00

WIN A HOUSE

ENTER AN AMAZING BOB'S EYE VIEW CONTEST

Last week on Bill Maher's HBO show, he said he hoped President Obama would repeal the military's policy of "Don't Ask-Don't Tell," if for no other reason than it would make Rush Limbaugh's head explode.

Just about everyone, even little children, know that if Rush Limbaugh's head explodes, this would be a good thing. I have decided to have a contest, and the winner will get my south Florida house free and clear, although I haven't yet told my wife.

All you have to do is submit a suggestion to a radio network that "The Grand Bloviator" works at - something that will result in Mr. Limbutt's head exploding. That's it. If his head explodes as a result of your suggestion, you win my house.

To make the contest a little more difficult, I have suggested a few things that would make Flush Limbaugh's head explode, so you cannot use any of these.

Flush has been picked to be one of seven judges for the 2010 Miss America Pageant. I am not making that up, although I wish I was. Aside from being homophobic, and a racist pig, Flush is also a misogynist, so judging women is a natural for him.

One thing that would make the racist pig's head explode would be to have one third of the Miss America contestants be black.

One thing that would make the homophobic drug addict's head explode would be to have one third of the contestants be gay.

One thing surely to make the gas bag's head explode would be to have one third of the contestants be Hispanic.

Finally, the following people should be selected as fellow judges. This assuredly would make Flush's head explode, and on national TV!

The seven judges for the 2010 Miss America Pageant will be Flush Limpbutt, comedian Lewis BLACK, actor Jack BLACK, rapper Kanye West, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, very gay Harvey Feirstein and last, but certainly not least, Wanda Sykes, who is both BLACK and a LESBIAN.

Lastly, no employees of Bob's Eye View who have slept with me are allowed to enter this contest. Good luck.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-10-06T07:20:00.002-04:00

TED'S HEAD

Some of you may know about the process of cryonics. No, it's not what Glen Beck (or as I call him, Glen Blechh) fakes fairly often on his show.

Cryonics is freezing a body with the hopes that one day, scientists will be able to bring the subject back to life, hopefully long after Glen Blechh and Rush Limpbutt are bad memories.

Boston Red Sox baseball legend Ted Williams, who died in July 2002, allegedly left instructions to have his body frozen, although that has been disputed by several family members. Unfortunately, during the process, Ted's head was severed from his body. Don't you hate when that happens? Ted's procedure was supposed to be a full-body freezing. Whether this was done intentionally, or just through incompetence, is still up for debate.

Ted's body was frozen by the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsfale, Arizona. There is a new book out, "Frozen: My Journey Into The World of Cryonics, Deception and Death" by Larry Johnson, who is a former employee of Alcor. In the book, Johnson alleges that Ted's head was mistreated by Alcor.

Johnson claims that as he watched, another Alcor employee swung a monkey wrench at Ted's head to try and remove a tuna can that was stuck to it. Reportedly, the first swing missed the tuna can and struck Ted's head instead. I don't know if the umpire would call that a ball or a strike. In any case, the second swing was successful in knocking the tuna can loose.

I know most of you are scratching your heads (hopefully still attached) and are asking several questions, such as, "What the hell was a tuna can doing stuck on Ted Williams head?" "Did he die with a tuna can stuck on his head?" "Was the tuna chunk light or solid white albacore?" and most important, "Was the tuna packed in oil or water?"

A representative from Alcor says that the tuna cans are used as pedestals for the severed heads. I am not making any of this up. I think the makers of Bumble Bee and Starkist should add a little message to the sides of their cans: "When emptied of contents, this can may also serve as a pedestal for a severed head."

I have thought about being frozen after I die. If I still decide to do that, which is now real iffy, I will be leaving strict instructions that if anything is going to be stuck to my head, I want it to be a pint container of Ben & Jerry's or Baskin Robbins ice cream.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY. IN THE MEANTIME, CHILL OUT.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-09-29T07:43:00.002-04:00

LET THERE BE LIGHT

If you think the service that Sprint provides stinks, or that the service that AOL provides stinks even worse, of course you'd be right. However, I have a new winner in the stinky service business. The winner, hands down, is FPL, which stands for Flori-DUH Power and Light.

In south Florida, a day without some sort of power interruption is like a day without sunshine. In the good old days, if there was more than one thunder clap, the power would go out, if only for a few seconds.

Now, it seems that if more than five people fart at the same time, power is interrupted. Trust me when I tell you that there is a lot of farting going on in south Florida. This loss of power, or drop in power, affects the television reception as well. The other day I was watching an excellent documentary, The National Parks, by Ken Burns.

As the picture on my television began to dissolve, as it does on nearly a daily basis, the opening title read, The Ntinal Prks by Kn Brns. For the duration of the two hour documentary, the sound alternated between loud, as in standing next to a runway as a jumbo jet takes off, and silent, as in Helen Keller silent.

I am not even sure if the problem lies with FPL or at COMCAST, a yearly runner-up in the stinky service awards. Sometimes I refer to COMCAST as COMCAN'T, or COMCRAP.

Today, I am having a visit by a COMCAST service person, to see why the picture on my two televisions dissolves faster than the prospect of any meaningful health care reform.

I will keep you posted on the outcome.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-09-22T09:31:00.002-04:00

EVOLUTION, OKLAHOMANS AND BEARS, OH MY

The staff here at world headquarters of Bobs Eye View is contemplating having a contest to see which is the dumbest state in America. I always thought South Carolina would be among the top five, and with the outburst by congressman little Joey Wilson, my opinion hasn't changed.

However, I read last week that in a new study, 75 percent of Oklahoma high school students couldn't name the first president of the United States. Seventy-five percent! Three out of four could not name the first president of the United States!

Add to that the fact that the two senators from Oklahoma are wacky James Imhoff and even wackier (if that's possible) Tom Coburn, and Oklahoma jumps to the top of the list.

When I was attending college in New York City, I worked for a brief time as a psychiatric aid at Metropolitan Hospital. I can honestly say that the psychiatric patients I came in contact with on a daily basis had more common sense, more insight, than either wacky James Imhoff or even wackier Tom Coburn.

If you feel that your state qualifies as the dumbest state in the country, please let me know, and give me some examples. Contest rules and prizes will follow shortly.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-09-15T06:56:00.002-04:00

FRANCHISE THIS, BABY

I am excited to report that I have bought the first franchise in south Florida of the Kenye West/Joe Wilson/Serena Williams School of Charm and Manners. Applications are now being accepted for part-time employees. Now, sit down, shut up and read the rest of this blog, you lying nazi communist, before I ram my keyboard down your fu@%ing throat

BELIEVE IT OR DON'T

One of Bob's Eye Views most popular features (and, coincidentally one of its' only features) has returned.

Amtrak's Auto-Train is the longest passenger train in the world, and Rush Limbaugh has the smallest penis of any radio talk-show host in the world, measuring just under two inches when erect. Believe it or don't.

At one time, Sarah Palin was actually the governor of one of the fifty United States. Believe it or don't.

As of yesterday, Monday, September 14th, Rush Limbaugh is now the same weight as a Ford Taurus. Believe it or don't.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-09-08T08:13:00.002-04:00

PAYING FOR UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE

I believe I may have solved the sticky problem of how to pay for health care for every American. The answer is that we don't pay for every American, just for the ones who want health care for themselves, their family and friends.

Permit me to explain. There are several "socialist" programs that do very well in the U.S, such as Medicare, Social Security, Unemployment Benefits and Veterans Benefits. The morons that are doing all the shouting at Town Hall meetings about not wanting the government involved in their lives, should immediately be dropped from receiving any of the above benefits. In addition, their families and friends should also be dropped (if they feel the same way).

It has been reported that the U.S. will only have enough H1N1 swine flu vaccine for half the population. That actually works out quite well, as it seems that about half of our population doesn't want the federal government involved in health care. They should not receive any vaccine.

Denying the morons any access to federal assistance, be it swine flu vaccine, veterans benefits, social security benefits, disability benefits, unemployment benefits or medicare, should go a long way to paying for the rest of us to finally receive decent health care in this country.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-08-04T07:18:00.002-04:00

WHACKING, THEN HACKING

I don't know about you, but whenever I read about the increasing problem of humongous Burmese pythons spreading throughout Florida, I think about Rush Limbaugh. After all, Burmese pythons and Rush Limbaugh are both fat snakes.

PETA, Pythons, er, I mean People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, recently argued that while American Veterinary Medical Association guidelines for euthanasia approve of "cranial concussion" for reptiles," it strongly advises following up by cutting or otherwise severing its spinal cord. In other words, PETA advises whacking, then hacking.

Stephanie Bell, a cruelty case manager for PETA, says that "often reptiles, unlike humans or birds, don't die instantly." She goes on to say that the brains of a reptile will continue to function after their head has been taken off. I am fairly confident that the same is true of Rush Limbaugh.

This issue is now stirring a debate among scientists. What some see as evidence of life - such as a severed snake head or Rush Limbaugh snapping their jaws - others argue it only amounts to a post-mortem nervous reflex.

Once again I am hitting the road. Bob's Eye View will return on Tuesday, September 8th. In the meantime, if you should see Rush Limbaugh slithering in the grass, do not approach, and make sure there are no children or small pets nearby. Call your Fish, Wildlife and Insane Talk Show Hosts Department, and hopefully, it will be safely removed.

SEE YOU IN A FEW TUESDAYS.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-07-28T12:43:00.002-04:00

THREE DOG NIGHT

Recent studies have shown that human babies are smarter than that person's dog. Research has revealed that 2 and 3-year old babies can out-perform adult dogs at picking up on directional signaling.

Babies also "get" dogs pretty quickly. A study published in the journal Developmental Psychology (I love their centerfold) found that infants just 6 months old can accurately distinguish between the friendly yap and the angry snarl of a dog.

An experiment was conducted where 6-month old babies were placed in front of two pictures of a dog - one showing a hostile stance and one showing a friendly stance. A recording was played in which aggressive barks and friendly barks were presented in random order. The babies got it almost immediately.

They spent nearly all of their time in the chair looking at the dog whose stance matched the tone of the barking they were hearing.

When babies were placed on a chair and watched a recording of Rush Limbaugh, they simultaneously threw up and pooped in their diapers, which proves that babies are even smarter than we give them credit for.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-07-21T07:26:00.003-04:00

THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD

I just got back from a national puppetry conference in Atlanta. I had a blast!!!

Reading a Snapple bottle cap, I learned that the whale shark is the largest animal in the world. It is 50 feet long, and weighs 20 tons. That is even heavier than Rush Limbaugh. However, Limbaugh is not nearly that long. In fact, he is rumored to be somewhere between 2 and 3 inches long.

NEW SEGMENT - BELIEVE IT OR DON'T

In the state of Flori-DUH, you can be ticketed if you are caught driving while NOT using a cell phone.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-06-30T06:14:00.002-04:00

DOLPHINS, PENGUINS AND FRUIT FLIES, OH MY!

Elise and I have been married for 31 years, but I now confess that our marriage, which had been in trouble, is now really in trouble. The reason is gay marriage.

A few years back I kept reading that if gays were allowed to marry, that would jeopardize traditional marriage. Although happy up to that point, Elise and I decided that our marriage was threatened. We didn't know why. We couldn't explain it. It was just one of those things, like death, taxes and Rush Limbaugh being a drug addled gas bag.

The other day I read that same-sex sexual behavior extends far beyond the well-known examples of dolphins, penguins and fruit flies. Scientists have now discovered that earthworms and fish sometimes form long-term same-sex relationships. Oh my - my marriage is doomed.

With apologies to Cole Porter:

Gay birds do it

Gay bees do it

Even gay educated fleas do it

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

I will be on the road for the next few weeks. I should be blogging again on Tuesday, July 21st.

SEE YOU TUESDAY, JULY 21st.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-06-23T08:45:00.002-04:00

ONE MORE THING

With 75 percent of the American people in favor of a public option for health care, but at least 75 percent of the Senators, and probably closer to 95 percent (both Republican and Democrat) having been bought and paid for by the Health Care industry, the U.S. is not going to get meaningful health care reform in the lifetime of anyone now alive on earth. The U.S. will remain the only industrialized country in the world that does not provide health insurance to all of its citizens.

If Americans had a spine, or balls, or better yet a spine and balls, those 75 percent would be out on the streets of every city in America demanding meaningful health care reform, like the brave Iranians are doing now, demanding that their votes be counted.

Guess what, folks. The only way Americans would ever riot in the streets is if American Idol was suddenly cancelled with no explanation.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-06-23T07:00:00.002-04:00

GOOD VIBRATIONS

In Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life," Mr. Creosote Man, played by Terry Jones, explodes after dining at a French restaurant.

As a rule, each morning, while sipping a martini, I read the obituary pages to see if Rush Limbaugh, who I believe bears an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Creosote Man, has exploded in a similar fashion.

The other morning, I was saddened to see that John Joseph Houghtaling passed away at the age of 92 in Ft. Pierce, Florida. I am sure that most of you are well aware that in 1958, Mr. Houghtaling invented the "Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed," which gave occupants of motels 15 minutes of good vibrations for a mere quarter.

I hope you will all join me at noon, E.S.T. tomorrow, as we observe a moment of silent vibration as we remember Mr. Houghtaling. I am hoping that worldwide, people will turn their cell phones, beepers, pacemakers, and sexual devices to vibrate.

Thanks for the memories, Mr. Houghtaling.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOBS EYE VIEW

2009-06-15T08:34:00.002-04:00

TV OR NOT TV

This past Friday, the U.S. did a nationwide switch from analog to digital TV. The same crap will be available, just crap with a better picture.

A federal hot line was set up, and it received nearly 700,000 calls from people confused about the switch.

While we are on the subject of confusion, I hope I am not confusing readers of my blog by posting on Monday instead of Tuesday. I will be on the west coast of Florida (or as I refer to it, The Land Before Time) on Tuesday, so that is why I am posting on Monday. If you are still confused, call the federal hotline. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Regarding the 700,000 people who were confused about the switch from analog to digital, I think those people should not be allowed to vote ever again, to drive a car ever again, or to have children ever again. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.

SEE YOU ON TUESDAY, JUNE 23rd.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-06-09T07:41:00.003-04:00

MY DREAM JOB

The other day I read an article about Cold Stone Creamery introducing a no-melt ice cream. For anyone who knows anything about ice cream, you'll know that Cold Stone ranks third behind Baskin-Robbins and Dairy Queen in ice cream concept stores.

I really don't remember anything about the details of the article, other than the new no-melt ice cream is the invention of Ray Karam, who is the official "tastemaster" for Cold Stone Creamery. Let me repeat that. Mr. Karam is the tastemaster for Cold Stone Creamery. I want his job. I was born to do that job. I actually have a tattoo that says, "Born to Taste Ice Cream."

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-06-02T08:34:00.002-04:00

MACK THE HOT KNIFE

I read the other day about a 25-year-old Egyptian man who was angry with his family because he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower-class family. The man had unsuccessfully petitioned his father for two years to marry the girl.

He could have done several things to show his anger. He could have left his family's house for good. He could have run up their charge cards. He could have subscribed them to every Jewish publication ever published.

The man chose none of the above. In fact he chose below. He heated up a knife and sliced off his penis. The man was rushed to the hospital. I am assuming the penis was along for the ride, possibly on a teeny, tiny stretcher of its own.

Sadly, the hospital was unable to attach the severed member.

I have instructed my wife to hide any cutlery when we're in the company of her relatives.

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-05-26T08:00:00.002-04:00

WIENER WARS

The hot dog market in the U.S. is a $2.1 billion cash cow. The two largest hot dog producers are now battling in court.

Ball Park Franks is suing Oscar Mayer over advertising and product claims. Ball Park Franks is owned by Sarah Lee Corporation and Oscar Mayer is owned by Kraft Foods, and I believe that 98 percent of all corporations are now owned by Exxon-Mobil.

According to Janet Riley, president of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (Rush Limbaugh's former job), "The stakes are big as the peak season for franks begins this weekend."

In the lawsuit, Sara Lee alleges that Oscar Mayer's claim that its Jumbo Beef Franks are "100 percent pure beef" is pure bull.

I am shocked that one corporation is accusing another corporation of lying. What is this world coming to? The next thing we are likely to hear is that the C.I.A. has ever lied to the American people.

SEE YOU ON TUESDAYS.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-05-06T08:49:00.002-04:00

GIVE ME A BREAK

Bob, the birthday boy blogger, has decided to give himself a few weeks more off from blogging (without pay). We shall see you again in mid-May.

SEE YOU SOON.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-04-15T09:26:00.001-04:00

ROAD TRIP

I am heading north - Orlando, Savannah, Raleigh, Virginia and New York, both for shows and for family matters. Bob's Eye View will return on May 6th. Check out some of the archives if you get a chance.

SEE YOU SOON.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-04-13T06:30:00.002-04:00

THAT'S A CROC!

Who said, "When I close my eyes, I see their red eyes - dozens of them - looking back at me"?

Was it:

A) Right-wing lunatic Sean Hannity, with his daily rants about how the communists, led by Obama, are going to take over the U.S.

B) Sad, scary clown Glen Beck (who should be kept away from civilized society), or

C) Mike Godwin, tour guide at Orlando's Gatorland

The correct answer is Mike Godwin. He conducts walking tours at Gatorland, known as Gator Night Shine tours. Mike says about the gators, "They're not animatronic. If you fall off the Jungle Cruise, you don't get eaten by the crocodile. At Gatorland, things are a little different. If you go in there, you're not really coming out."

On a recent night tour, Mike pulled from a duffel bag a young alligator, with the mouth duct-taped shut, for everyone to hold. Oh, if only Rush Limbaugh could have his mouth duct-taped shut.

One of the highlights of the tour is meeting Sultan, a huge Nile crocodile. You meet him underwater, safely behind glass, as he shows off massive teeth. The croc is literally inches away from your face. Possibly the only thing scarier would be to confront Lumpy Limbaugh underwater, wearing a tiny spandex bathing suit, and being only inches away from the massive teeth of his fat face.

SEE YOU SOON.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-04-12T11:00:00.002-04:00

LUMPY'S BIRTHDAY

Lumpy is 67 years old today. What's that you say? Rush "Lumpy" Limbaugh is 67. "The Cheeseburger That Sweats" a.k.a. Rush Lumpy Limbaugh can't be that old.

No, not that Lumpy. Frank Bank, the actor who played Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford on the Leave It To Beaver television show, was born on April 12, 1942.

Happy Birthday Lumpy.

SEE YOU SOON.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-04-10T06:53:00.002-04:00

THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE AND THE EMERGENCY ROOM

Believe it or not, there is a hospital known as the Turtle Hospital, located in Marathon in the Florida Keys.

A few weeks back, the Miami Herald reported that a loggerhead sea turtle, looking remarkably like Rush Limbaugh, arrived on its own at the hospital. Ryan Butts, the administrator at the 25-year-old hospital, said it was the first time that a turtle had actually tracked them down and showed up at their doorstep waiting to be admitted. Really? I would think that turtles show up on their own all the time seeking medical attention.

Perhaps the turtle used a GPS navigation system to locate the hospital. Perhaps the turtle took a taxi to the hospital. I just hope the turtle had the proper insurance and was covered by Medic-Hare.

One thing the article did not mention is how long the turtle had to read magazines in the waiting room before finally being seen.

SEE YOU SOON.

BOB'S EYE VIEW

2009-04-08T06:52:00.002-04:00

A PLETHORA OF PILLS or PAIN BE GONE

I have never been more proud of my county, Broward, than yesterday, when I learned that Broward County, Flori-DUH is now considered the number one county in the United States for dispatching pain pills, much of it illegal.

It was reported in the Miami Herald that Broward County is now the epicenter of a prescription-drug epidemic that is rapidly spreading across the entire eastern United States.

In the second half of last year alone, Broward County doctors dispensed 6.5 million oxycodone pills. I would guess that "the cheeseburger that sweats," a.k.a. Rush Limbaugh, is responsible for purchasing at least 3 million of those pills. Nevertheless, that's still a plethora of pills.

SEE YOU SOON.