Wednesday, October 28, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
BIG NEWS
After much careful thought, deliberation and several chinese meals, I have decided to take an indefinite leave of absence from my blog. I may be gone a week, a month, a year or a decade. I'm just not sure at this point. Thank you for your support and be safe out there.
SEE YOU SOME TUESDAY.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
SLEEPS ON A PLANE
This week, Bob's Eye View, which usually appears every Tuesday, will appear tomorrow, Wednesday, instead. In the meantime, I would really like to hear from anyone who reads this blog. It is impossible to know how many people read my blog on a regular basis. Please e-mail me at Bnathanson@aol.com and let me know if you would like to see this blog continue. Thank you in advance for your continued support.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
UP, UP AND AWAY
MY BEAUTIFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON
Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the characters at CNN might just go to a "All Balloons, All The Time" format. If CNN is the most trusted name in news, we are all screwed! I have always believed that CNN stands for Certainly Not News.
Fox News is reporting that Balloon Boy might just be the illegitimate son of Barack Hussein Obama & the OctoMom, and are demanding to see Balloon Boy's birth certificate. Furthermore, Glen Blechh and Flush Limbaugh reported that this balloon flight of last week might be yet another of Obama's moves to push America towards socialism.
MSNBC speculated that this balloon hoax may just have been planned during the Bush/Cheney presidency. Keith Olbermann is planning a special comment.
ABC is planning a new reality show, to be called, "Dancing With The Balloon Boy."
The wind you are probably feeling right about now is being created by Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite spinning in their graves.
An excellent group called Reporters Without Borders last year rated the American media as being the 37th best in the world. I think, with just another day or two of 24/7 reporting about the escapades of Balloon Boy and his family, we can easily make it to number 40.
FLUSH LIMBAUGH UPDATE
I regret to report that as of 7:02 A.M. on October 20th, Flush's head has yet to explode, although I thought it might when the "Talking Hemorrhoid" was turned down in his bid to become a part owner of an National Football League team. I just may have to have a tie-breaker, in which case the tie--breaking rules will be announced next week.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
WIN A HOUSE
ENTER AN AMAZING BOB'S EYE VIEW CONTEST
Last week on Bill Maher's HBO show, he said he hoped President Obama would repeal the military's policy of "Don't Ask-Don't Tell," if for no other reason than it would make Rush Limbaugh's head explode.
Just about everyone, even little children, know that if Rush Limbaugh's head explodes, this would be a good thing. I have decided to have a contest, and the winner will get my south Florida house free and clear, although I haven't yet told my wife.
All you have to do is submit a suggestion to a radio network that "The Grand Bloviator" works at - something that will result in Mr. Limbutt's head exploding. That's it. If his head explodes as a result of your suggestion, you win my house.
To make the contest a little more difficult, I have suggested a few things that would make Flush Limbaugh's head explode, so you cannot use any of these.
Flush has been picked to be one of seven judges for the 2010 Miss America Pageant. I am not making that up, although I wish I was. Aside from being homophobic, and a racist pig, Flush is also a misogynist, so judging women is a natural for him.
One thing that would make the racist pig's head explode would be to have one third of the Miss America contestants be black.
One thing that would make the homophobic drug addict's head explode would be to have one third of the contestants be gay.
One thing surely to make the gas bag's head explode would be to have one third of the contestants be Hispanic.
Finally, the following people should be selected as fellow judges. This assuredly would make Flush's head explode, and on national TV!
The seven judges for the 2010 Miss America Pageant will be Flush Limpbutt, comedian Lewis BLACK, actor Jack BLACK, rapper Kanye West, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, very gay Harvey Feirstein and last, but certainly not least, Wanda Sykes, who is both BLACK and a LESBIAN.
Lastly, no employees of Bob's Eye View who have slept with me are allowed to enter this contest. Good luck.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
TED'S HEAD
Some of you may know about the process of cryonics. No, it's not what Glen Beck (or as I call him, Glen Blechh) fakes fairly often on his show.
Cryonics is freezing a body with the hopes that one day, scientists will be able to bring the subject back to life, hopefully long after Glen Blechh and Rush Limpbutt are bad memories.
Boston Red Sox baseball legend Ted Williams, who died in July 2002, allegedly left instructions to have his body frozen, although that has been disputed by several family members. Unfortunately, during the process, Ted's head was severed from his body. Don't you hate when that happens? Ted's procedure was supposed to be a full-body freezing. Whether this was done intentionally, or just through incompetence, is still up for debate.
Ted's body was frozen by the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsfale, Arizona. There is a new book out, "Frozen: My Journey Into The World of Cryonics, Deception and Death" by Larry Johnson, who is a former employee of Alcor. In the book, Johnson alleges that Ted's head was mistreated by Alcor.
Johnson claims that as he watched, another Alcor employee swung a monkey wrench at Ted's head to try and remove a tuna can that was stuck to it. Reportedly, the first swing missed the tuna can and struck Ted's head instead. I don't know if the umpire would call that a ball or a strike. In any case, the second swing was successful in knocking the tuna can loose.
I know most of you are scratching your heads (hopefully still attached) and are asking several questions, such as, "What the hell was a tuna can doing stuck on Ted Williams head?" "Did he die with a tuna can stuck on his head?" "Was the tuna chunk light or solid white albacore?" and most important, "Was the tuna packed in oil or water?"
A representative from Alcor says that the tuna cans are used as pedestals for the severed heads. I am not making any of this up. I think the makers of Bumble Bee and Starkist should add a little message to the sides of their cans: "When emptied of contents, this can may also serve as a pedestal for a severed head."
I have thought about being frozen after I die. If I still decide to do that, which is now real iffy, I will be leaving strict instructions that if anything is going to be stuck to my head, I want it to be a pint container of Ben & Jerry's or Baskin Robbins ice cream.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY. IN THE MEANTIME, CHILL OUT.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
LET THERE BE LIGHT
If you think the service that Sprint provides stinks, or that the service that AOL provides stinks even worse, of course you'd be right. However, I have a new winner in the stinky service business. The winner, hands down, is FPL, which stands for Flori-DUH Power and Light.
In south Florida, a day without some sort of power interruption is like a day without sunshine. In the good old days, if there was more than one thunder clap, the power would go out, if only for a few seconds.
Now, it seems that if more than five people fart at the same time, power is interrupted. Trust me when I tell you that there is a lot of farting going on in south Florida. This loss of power, or drop in power, affects the television reception as well. The other day I was watching an excellent documentary, The National Parks, by Ken Burns.
As the picture on my television began to dissolve, as it does on nearly a daily basis, the opening title read, The Ntinal Prks by Kn Brns. For the duration of the two hour documentary, the sound alternated between loud, as in standing next to a runway as a jumbo jet takes off, and silent, as in Helen Keller silent.
I am not even sure if the problem lies with FPL or at COMCAST, a yearly runner-up in the stinky service awards. Sometimes I refer to COMCAST as COMCAN'T, or COMCRAP.
Today, I am having a visit by a COMCAST service person, to see why the picture on my two televisions dissolves faster than the prospect of any meaningful health care reform.
I will keep you posted on the outcome.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
EVOLUTION, OKLAHOMANS AND BEARS, OH MY
The staff here at world headquarters of Bobs Eye View is contemplating having a contest to see which is the dumbest state in America. I always thought South Carolina would be among the top five, and with the outburst by congressman little Joey Wilson, my opinion hasn't changed.
However, I read last week that in a new study, 75 percent of Oklahoma high school students couldn't name the first president of the United States. Seventy-five percent! Three out of four could not name the first president of the United States!
Add to that the fact that the two senators from Oklahoma are wacky James Imhoff and even wackier (if that's possible) Tom Coburn, and Oklahoma jumps to the top of the list.
When I was attending college in New York City, I worked for a brief time as a psychiatric aid at Metropolitan Hospital. I can honestly say that the psychiatric patients I came in contact with on a daily basis had more common sense, more insight, than either wacky James Imhoff or even wackier Tom Coburn.
If you feel that your state qualifies as the dumbest state in the country, please let me know, and give me some examples. Contest rules and prizes will follow shortly.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
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