Tuesday, June 30, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
DOLPHINS, PENGUINS AND FRUIT FLIES, OH MY!
Elise and I have been married for 31 years, but I now confess that our marriage, which had been in trouble, is now really in trouble. The reason is gay marriage.
A few years back I kept reading that if gays were allowed to marry, that would jeopardize traditional marriage. Although happy up to that point, Elise and I decided that our marriage was threatened. We didn't know why. We couldn't explain it. It was just one of those things, like death, taxes and Rush Limbaugh being a drug addled gas bag.
The other day I read that same-sex sexual behavior extends far beyond the well-known examples of dolphins, penguins and fruit flies. Scientists have now discovered that earthworms and fish sometimes form long-term same-sex relationships. Oh my - my marriage is doomed.
With apologies to Cole Porter:
Gay birds do it
Gay bees do it
Even gay educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love.
I will be on the road for the next few weeks. I should be blogging again on Tuesday, July 21st.
SEE YOU TUESDAY, JULY 21st.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
ONE MORE THING
With 75 percent of the American people in favor of a public option for health care, but at least 75 percent of the Senators, and probably closer to 95 percent (both Republican and Democrat) having been bought and paid for by the Health Care industry, the U.S. is not going to get meaningful health care reform in the lifetime of anyone now alive on earth. The U.S. will remain the only industrialized country in the world that does not provide health insurance to all of its citizens.
If Americans had a spine, or balls, or better yet a spine and balls, those 75 percent would be out on the streets of every city in America demanding meaningful health care reform, like the brave Iranians are doing now, demanding that their votes be counted.
Guess what, folks. The only way Americans would ever riot in the streets is if American Idol was suddenly cancelled with no explanation.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
BOBS EYE VIEW
GOOD VIBRATIONS
In Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life," Mr. Creosote Man, played by Terry Jones, explodes after dining at a French restaurant.
As a rule, each morning, while sipping a martini, I read the obituary pages to see if Rush Limbaugh, who I believe bears an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Creosote Man, has exploded in a similar fashion.
The other morning, I was saddened to see that John Joseph Houghtaling passed away at the age of 92 in Ft. Pierce, Florida. I am sure that most of you are well aware that in 1958, Mr. Houghtaling invented the "Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed," which gave occupants of motels 15 minutes of good vibrations for a mere quarter.
I hope you will all join me at noon, E.S.T. tomorrow, as we observe a moment of silent vibration as we remember Mr. Houghtaling. I am hoping that worldwide, people will turn their cell phones, beepers, pacemakers, and sexual devices to vibrate.
Thanks for the memories, Mr. Houghtaling.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Monday, June 15, 2009
BOBS EYE VIEW
TV OR NOT TV
This past Friday, the U.S. did a nationwide switch from analog to digital TV. The same crap will be available, just crap with a better picture.
A federal hot line was set up, and it received nearly 700,000 calls from people confused about the switch.
While we are on the subject of confusion, I hope I am not confusing readers of my blog by posting on Monday instead of Tuesday. I will be on the west coast of Florida (or as I refer to it, The Land Before Time) on Tuesday, so that is why I am posting on Monday. If you are still confused, call the federal hotline. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
Regarding the 700,000 people who were confused about the switch from analog to digital, I think those people should not be allowed to vote ever again, to drive a car ever again, or to have children ever again. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.
SEE YOU ON TUESDAY, JUNE 23rd.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
BOB'S EYE VIEW
MY DREAM JOB
The other day I read an article about Cold Stone Creamery introducing a no-melt ice cream. For anyone who knows anything about ice cream, you'll know that Cold Stone ranks third behind Baskin-Robbins and Dairy Queen in ice cream concept stores.
I really don't remember anything about the details of the article, other than the new no-melt ice cream is the invention of Ray Karam, who is the official "tastemaster" for Cold Stone Creamery. Let me repeat that. Mr. Karam is the tastemaster for Cold Stone Creamery. I want his job. I was born to do that job. I actually have a tattoo that says, "Born to Taste Ice Cream."
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
BOB'S EYE VIEW
MACK THE HOT KNIFE
I read the other day about a 25-year-old Egyptian man who was angry with his family because he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower-class family. The man had unsuccessfully petitioned his father for two years to marry the girl.
He could have done several things to show his anger. He could have left his family's house for good. He could have run up their charge cards. He could have subscribed them to every Jewish publication ever published.
The man chose none of the above. In fact he chose below. He heated up a knife and sliced off his penis. The man was rushed to the hospital. I am assuming the penis was along for the ride, possibly on a teeny, tiny stretcher of its own.
Sadly, the hospital was unable to attach the severed member.
I have instructed my wife to hide any cutlery when we're in the company of her relatives.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
BOB'S EYE VIEW
WIENER WARS
The hot dog market in the U.S. is a $2.1 billion cash cow. The two largest hot dog producers are now battling in court.
Ball Park Franks is suing Oscar Mayer over advertising and product claims. Ball Park Franks is owned by Sarah Lee Corporation and Oscar Mayer is owned by Kraft Foods, and I believe that 98 percent of all corporations are now owned by Exxon-Mobil.
According to Janet Riley, president of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council (Rush Limbaugh's former job), "The stakes are big as the peak season for franks begins this weekend."
In the lawsuit, Sara Lee alleges that Oscar Mayer's claim that its Jumbo Beef Franks are "100 percent pure beef" is pure bull.
I am shocked that one corporation is accusing another corporation of lying. What is this world coming to? The next thing we are likely to hear is that the C.I.A. has ever lied to the American people.
SEE YOU ON TUESDAYS.
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